Didn't mean to...

Been a long time...

2006-04-21T21:04:00.000-04:00

I just had an urge to come back. I can't believe i haven't updated in almost 3 months. lol...i'm such a slacker.

Just a quick update, maybe more later...I still haven't had a cigarette, ty God. I've passed the three month mark. The urge is still there at times. The worst part is dreaming about smoking. Makes me wake up feeling just like nonono...lol. I'm still exercising; i haven't lost any weight (i tend to eat bad things...lol) but haven't gained so i'm thankful for that. The others quitting with me have relapsed, but i'm still hopeful for them and will always support them. Brenda is still kicking ass tho and i'm proud of her. Lynn fell off the wagon yesterday and i feel terrible for her. So many stressful things have been happening in her world lately and there's nothing i can do except be there if she needs me and keep her in my prayers.

That's my update...i'll try not to be so long next time....lol

Sigh...

2006-01-26T23:34:00.000-05:00

I'm at a blank. I shouldn't be. My day was really good, even the customers don't really get to me much anymore. Since I've been trying to quit smoking, I believe my attitude in general has changed. I still tend to be introverted and avoid possible confrontations with certain ppl but for the most part I'm pretty cheery (lol i know, sounds dumb).

Anyway, I watched part of the "The Passion of The Christ" tonight when I got home from work. I hadn't watched it yet for various reasons. I am a Christian and know that Christ died for me and others, but I knew that movie would be just too gory for me so despite the fact I have the movie, I had yet to watch. I didn't catch all of it, perhaps that last 30 mins or so. The sound was low so I didn't hear the painful parts so much and I turned my head more than once and I cried almost the whole time. I know that it was God's plan for Christ to save us but the pain He suffered was too horrible and the totally human side of me thinks it was unfair. Sigh...but I know it was right that He did and I'm thankful to Him for His forgiveness and love and will continue to be thankful. It just was so sad at the same time, so now I'm at a blank.

And I just thought I'd share....

no reason to complain...

2006-01-22T18:28:00.000-05:00

Deep inside my head i know this was a really good day but damn, it was just a lousy day, at least in my head. I woke up feeling cranky, i tried breathing deep to get focused, smiling, nothing was working this morning. I got up around nine and all i could think was "i want a cigarette." Then mom called and she said something that bothered me a bit. It shouldn't have b/c it's none of my business but i let my opinion be known and that just made me feel worse.

I took her shopping. We'd arranged it earlier in the week but the trip was a bit tense. Then i realized i had forgot several things in my cranky state that needed done and so that didn't help. Anyway....got the errands done, went back to mom's b/c my brother was having ppl over to watch the football game. So there was family and friends. I did manage to get in a better mood but i'm still not great.

Since coming home, i've straightened up a bit (getting ready to do some more actually), played a game, had some serious munchies so i indulged (i'll feel bad about it later...lol), but i'm still not quite up to par. However, i haven't had a cigarette so i'm pretty glad about that. The urge was real freakin bad today...lol...but i survived without and that's the plan.

Sorry for the fairly dull post (as if most of the others aren't...lol) but it's been a day that's for sure....

update...

2006-01-21T23:16:00.000-05:00

Well, the no smoking thing is going pretty well so far. Thank God for that. The craziness that was my mind has tamed a bit...lol...very good. For a while it was like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining". I have that movie and have never watched it...lol...i have read the book though and have it too.

I am terrible about this blog tho. I am the biggest procrastinator I know. Always have been, but i'm trying to work on that. I tend to just put off, doesn't even matter if it's a good thing or a bad thing, i have to put it off....ugh...Anyway...

The last, let's see, 11 days have been a wonder. This is the longest i've ever gone trying to quit. And it's been the loooonnngest 11 days of my life...lol... I think i've done well, i think all the ppl around me who are trying to quit are. Mom's doing good. She can go 48 hours without a smoke and for anyone who smokes or has tried to quit, you know how hard it is. She's still giving into the urge and that happens. If it didn't i would have been done the first time i tried to quit.

We attended the meeting last Tuesday and there's another on the 24th. After that there's only two left. I still haven't done the "homework" for the meeting. Big shock...lol... I told ya, i'm just bad...lol... I'm sure i'll get it done. Basically it's writing down why you're smoking, what makes you want a cig. The class is really good though. There's about 11 of us and most everyone knows about 2 or more ppl in the class. Class/meeting in this instance is the same thing. I know i tend to be confusing and ramble on and on and on ....lol.. Without support i don't think you can quit. Afterall, i'm basically a drug addict. Nicotine and everything else in the cigs are addictive, thus i'm an addict. I just thought of that the other day when i was visiting Bren. Btw, she has not had a cig in 5 days. I couldn't believe she's decided to try again. I was so relieved since we're like best friends...lol... So we were totally nuts when we were hanging out the other day. But we had a great time. It's good to have ppl to talk to about this. I love have gone so long and pray that God will help me get thru the rest of my days without a smoke but you never know and i am not one to say i'll never do something b/c you just know that you're screwed if you do.

Anyway, for those who want to quit smoking or at least give it a shot, i recommend cinnamon sticks, candies, suckers. Cinnamon has been a key factor for me so far; also exercise, doesn't have to be a lot at first. Work up to more. Right now, i do a few different exercises for all the major body areas. And my routine is varying at this point, i do a few exercises anytime the urge hits, whether i'm home, at work, a friend's, doesn't matter, if you feel it, do it. Even a few calf lifts, butt crunches or stretches, will give you a boost (take note, this is what i'm working with, may not work for all...lol...or anyone for that matter). I'm also writing down anything i eat or drink and since i'm working on all resolutions (so far so good on all....yay team) i write down pretty much everything i do around the house, in the car, all of it. It helps to see what i've done, it also keeps my hands busy. Oh and i love my stress ball. I'll slowly squeeze it while i work or even as i'm in front of my computer. But it has to be slow b/c if i try to rush anything right now, i'll want a smoke more than i still do. I'm trying to change my outlook, which has been a little successful, i'm much more happy about myself than i've been in a long long time and i'm slowing down; trying not to hurry life, taking deep breathes, smiling just b/c i know that even if you feel there isn't much to smile about, it will still make you feel better.

I'm also keeping an eye on my weight. I weighed myself the day i started trying to quit and a week later, i've probably lost about a half pound to a pound. But that's not my main worry at this time, i'm trying to keep myself from gaining. Now 2/3 of ppl who try to quit gain anywhere from 5 to 10 lbs. This isn't too bad and if i do gain a few i'll work on it after a couple months of being smoke free. However, that is part of the reason i'm trying to exercise as much as possible and writing down what i eat and drink.

Oh another important thing for me in this, is my pedometer. It's just a cheap thing you can pick up at Walmart for around 4$. I know it sounds crazy but it helps you move. The goal each day, the experts say, is 10,000 steps. So, if you're a little ocd like myself, it's a help. I check it several times a day and every morning write down how many steps i took the previous day. I know i'm such a dork...lol...but i'm becoming a happy one.

Another thing that helps me is telling myself that i'm doing well. And when that voice pops up that i want a smoke, another helps out by saying "no i don't, you've gone this long, why would you want one?" I'm still concerned that i'll smoke again but God willing i won't. I wake up everyday now, take a deep breathe, let it out slow and say thank you Lord. I love being able to breathe in the morning again without it feeling like a huge weight was on my chest. I hated that; try to yawn and it catches because the lungs aren't open yet...to hell with that. That bothered me, i think, more than the outrageous price for smokes.

I'll try to update more often but there's so little time...lol...and when i am online, i'm lazy. But i will have to write it down to try...lol

Catching up...

2006-01-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

Recently a friend and i have been talking about a lot of things. The topic which comes up most often is me quitting smoking and her layin off the sweets a bit...lol. Anyway, i thought to keep a journal of quitting as a way to keep busy and maybe help myself, possibly others. Lol..doubtful though, since i know of only one person who will be reading this. After all she's going to help me and be my critic...lol...as well as a supporter. She believes this is a good idea as well. Only one problem, where to begin. Now, as dorky as it sounds, i've been thinking about this all day. I finally decided to turn the clock back a bit and start around New Year's. lol...it should makes sense later (i hope)... But first a bit of my history...

I have been thinking of quitting for a long time. I think all smokers think about it at least time to time. I haven't smoked for as long as some, off and on since about 15. In my early twenties, it became a full time thing. Normally no more than a pack a day. Over the last year or so it's become only slightly more and that was on my day off. I get Sunday, good thing that's it...lol. Anyway, i've tried to quit a couple of times, my average quit time is a week...so sad...lol. However, i recently learned that everytime you try to quit, it's practice and if you smoke again, shouldn't be considered a failure. That did make me feel a little better.

Now, more recent history introduces a new friend...Rita. Very nice girl, a little younger than me and not from around here...lol. Now partly because of where she lives, she's somewhat innocent and not as jaded as one might expect. Totally unlike me since i'm usually a pesimist. I imagine her genuine enthusiasm and optimism is part of why we seemed to hit it off. I'm not saying she's 24 hour cheerleader perky..lol...which is good, too much perky isn't good. Let me get back on track here...anyway, as thing went along, i was considering quitting smoking again and she has this thing with chocolate, i won't go into it, but she's as addicted as i am (no that's not a cut either), and we made a deal. I would try to quit and she'd try to curb the cocoa. This is all before new year's (guess i went further back than i thought i would...lol...side effect of trying to quit) but we're getting closer to it lol.

Well, i wasn't doing as well as i hoped and i don't think she was on hers either and then New Year's Resolution time came. She's got a list...lol...i've got none ok. I usually don't make them because i don't make them happen. So i don't bother. But after we talked about it, i got to thinking and did make some. Little things really that i wanted to improve upon.

Resolutions, 2006:

1. Save money
2. Exercise more
3. Clean up and get organized a bit better.

Now, that's my orginal list. After the first and i did start trying, i was feeling a bit better about myself and was seriously wanting to cut down the smokes. So we add quit smoking to our Resolutions. After doing this, i was talking to my mom and she decided to call the local Health Dept to find about about a program they're doing to help ppl quit. Well after she did, she was pretty enthusiastic and so was i. She decided to try as well. The only catch and it's very minor, is you have to attend a meeting/support group every other Tuesday. So we attended the first one earlier this week. It was really good and nothing like i had expected, which is very good...lol. And since Tuesday at 430 pm i have, thank God, been cig free. That's what brings me here.

After deciding to seriously quit, i tried to think of things to help me keep busy, and to try to be supportive for mom. I would be really thankful if she can quit. I know it's harder for her i thnk becuase she's been doing it longer and it's become such a part of her life. And that's what smoking becomes really. You do it with everything, or so many things, that it's just as natural as anything else you do. But like any drug, even that doesn't make it a good thing. lol...for those who have never smoked or haven't tried to quit, you have no idea how tough it can be. For anyone that may have even the smallest inkling to quit, i applaud you and will keep you in my prayers.

Quitting method varies for everyone. I've tried to patch both times before and we know how that turned out...lol. So even though they gave us the patch at the meeting, i haven't used them. I'm trying the cold turkey method. Now my bosses have been great. Very supportive, providing information and knowledge on the subject since they are both ex smokers. And now all of us in the office who are smokers are trying to quit. The women i work with are trying the patch and tapering down methods. I'm hoping since we're all trying, it will make it a little easier on all of us.

LMAO...and i have to say the last 5 days have been some of the longest of my life. I've been living in a really strange world. The surprising and best part is that even though i feel like a zombie, i feel better than i have in a long time. It's getting easier to breathe in the morning, i'm actually making some progress on all my resolutions and i'm amazing by it. This may sound really cheesy, but i can't help but smile thru the cravings and craziness that's going on in me and my head because i'm glad that i haven't had a cigarette in 5 whole days....lol...that may not sound like a lot but for those who've quit any kind of serious addiction, they know what i'm sayin, thinkin, feelin...lol. It would take someone with a lot more skill with verse, to accurately describe how it feels...lol.

For now, this first installment has to end, i have some errands to do. However, i'm hoping to add more later, trying for a daily update on how it's going and what i'm doing to try and kick the habit. lol...this is a start though and i think one i'm happy with. Till later....

Frustration

2005-11-19T21:23:00.000-05:00

I've recently joined an ICQ euchre group but can't find any information on where to play. This is seriously frustrating. If anyone, by chance, sees this and has any information, please comment or email. I would really appreciate. Thanks.

Long day

2005-11-15T18:27:00.000-05:00

If anyone is reading this, sorry it's been so long. I work online most of the time, so usually when I'm home, i'm not on that much. If I am I usually play a game. I'm a nut for certain puzzle games...mahjong, bejewelled, you see my meaning. Currently I'm playing bejewelled, one of my absolute favs was gemdrop. I stopped playing it when the score wouldn't change anymore. The levels kept going up but after I hit two billion, nothing. I realize that sounds incredibly dorky and probably is, lol. Oh well, for those who know me, it's one of the reasons they love. Some would probably deny that but it's true. lol.

Anyway, after the game stopped keeping score, I tried to email someone about it, but never heard anything. Sigh, oh well, maybe I just beat it. That's usually the point of playing. I'm a big fan of card games. If i'm in the mood to play with others, I usually go for euchre or hearts. I'm not so good at hearts, but I still enjoy it. Euchre, I don't think I'm too bad at. Wouldn't it be a kick in the ass if I spelled it wrong. lol.

I tend to rant. Considering, as the title say "long day". So if my spelling bad and my grammar's off, please ignore it. When I'm jazzed my fingers tend to not move as accurately or as quickly as they should and since my av is running, I'm experiencly lag. I hate lag. grrr.

So to my day...It's actually been the last week or so. Work has been a high stress situation. For some reason everyone's real tense and the bosses are being strange. No one is saying anything so we're all left to wonder if we're going to loose are jobs or if maybe the business is being sold and we loose are jobs. lol. It's just too weird the way things have been for the last week or so. And it usually seems like I'm on the go and things have been no different except perhaps more hectic. Always some errand to run and yet you seem to get stuck in a rut. Work, errand, home, work, you get the picture.

So after another lovely day, I finally come home to a quiet peaceful house and decide to get on, read email, play, all the good stuff. And I then I have a dumbass attack (for anyone sensitve to vocabulary, I really am keeping it toned down) and can't remember my new email address or password. So I had an intelligent thought and new my email was on here...couldn't remember my password. I finally figured it out and got the address. lol It was too funny but it was so incredibly stupid. lol. I never write usernames and passwords down. I consider it brain exercise to not save them or write them. I do ok remembering them if I use them a few times in a row. I should be ok now...I hope.

And on the chance I may be sounding a little bitchy or naggin, I'm not. lol Really, I'm in an excellent mood. I think it's coming home after stressin and relishing the quiet. As I've said before, I could almost be considered recluse if I didn't work. lol. I did break my rut last week for a few hours when I meant to see a close friend. She usually puts me in a much better frame of mind after a visit. I'm hoping to do the same this week. It's good for me, all work and no play makes me feel old lol.

I'm feeling restless, I think I'll go play. There may be more later, if not, good night.

By The Way...

2005-10-30T21:23:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween!

The Weekend

2005-10-30T21:20:00.000-05:00

Halloween Weekend

Now I’m not a big drinker or socialite. I drink about 3 or 4 times a year. I used to be pretty good at drinking but that was about ten years ago. I had a good time for the most part back then. You have to smile at really sweet memories; however, back to the near past.

I had a really great weekend. I went to an annual Halloween party. These parties usually end up as two-day events. There’s always a lot of food and people bring whatever they want to drink. Now since I’m in a pretty rural environment, this byob usually consists of a lot of beer. I am not a beer drinker. I will drink it but prefer a harder drink when I have a few. Anyway, there was the usual lot of folks plus newcomers. Lots of decoration and good music. The food was excellent and so was the company.

As I mentioned earlier, I’m not a big drinker and my social skills are lacking but when I do drink, like many others, am able to loosen up and enjoy. We laughed, we talked, shot pool; we had a good time into the late evening. I was done drinking by 9 since I knew I’d be driving home. I had a total of 2 drinks. I know, impressive, lol. I don’t drink much because I don’t like feeling like shit in the morning. That may seem lame but I don’t care, lol. I do occasionally get a drunk on but not too often, ugh.

Damn, I did it again. I tend to jump around. I’ll apologize in advance for any confusion. ( Back to the party: I left about 11, I had worked till 5:30 and was tired. So I went back to the part about 10:30 this a.m. The crowd ended up about 80 percent of last night. Not everybody was drinking, some dropped by just for food and to see how everyone else was. Lol. That’s always a good time to look over the truly hungover. I was not part of this crown (yay me). There was still plenty of food so everyone was munchin. More beer was drank (from what I was told earlier this evening there was still half a keg left, not everyone was drinking lol). I had a glass of homemade punch, yummy. I was home by 4:30. I’m such the party-animal, lol.

Oh well, I had a great time. My problem is I always have to force myself to go. Lol. Very asocial. I could be a hermit if it weren’t for work. Lol. No, I’m not that bad, but before I get to the event, I’m pretty tense. Once, at the party, I’m ok. Even without a drink, I’m more social, just a little less. Lol. I can only say I’m glad I went, I had a better time than I thought I would and I didn’t have to cook at all this weekend. Now, if my workweek goes as well, I’ll be thrilled.

One more thing, I want to thank button for being my first comment. I have to admit being so new to this, it made me feel good that someone actually read my words and left his thought. Thanks again and I help everything heals well. Take care.

Good night (

Rough morning

2005-10-28T12:36:00.000-04:00

I love when my day starts before I'm awake. And it always seems to be work, never something interesting or exciting, lol. I dealt with work in quick enough order though. Hopefully they won't need me till it's actually time for me to be there. I like my work, most of it anyway, but it does seem to consume so much time. Very rarely do I seem to have time to visit friends and family or just do to much of anything. Boring, I know. Hard to help when you work six days a week and are always on call. Most of the time I seem to live in my car more than I do my house. Sigh, whatcha gonna do, huh? Gotta work to live. Oh well, enough with the poor pitiful. Now that I'm up, might as well get showered and start the day.

If any more experienced bloggers read this, tips are always welcome :)

Well, this is new.

2005-10-28T04:02:00.000-04:00

I realize the title is a little off but I didn't mean to actually create this. I just wanted to post to a blog I found interesting and was forced to sign up. lol. I had mentioned to a friend earlier that I have enjoyed the few I've read and was considering posting. And what do you know, bam, went to post and now this. lol.

I apologize if this is boring. It's rather late and I've been up for a long time. So, if anyone reads this, I thank you and I may continue with this. It seems like it could be fun. However, my mind tends to move faster than my fingers so I may not always make sense. Have a good night, day, or afternoon depending on when you read this and I may talk to you. :)

Oh, I should say a bit about me...I'm blonde, blue, petite, and I think I have an interesting sense of humor. I work for a local ISP and have been there for 5 years. I enjoyed various sports, books, movies, music and the outdoors. There's more but, again, I don't want to bore. lol. I'll have to find some time for this, till then, take care.